The Clothes Make the Man

  There are many words in the Torah that are focused on the vestments, dress of Kohen Gadol, the Great Priest.  Whole chapters are devoted to the minute details of how he was to present himself before the people at all times. 

     Why is this so important?   Ramban, the mystic and scholar, noted that kings also wore clothing that was not dissimilar to the Kohen Gadol. The Ramban then remarks that dress gives definition to our stature in the eyes of other people.  In the instance of the Torah, B’nai Yisrael became aware of the grandeur of its leader Aaron, through his specified and ornate clothing, as they gazed at him.

 

     Another commentator, Benno Jakob, believes that clothing connotes something far more powerful than dignity. Remember that the Holy One, blessed be He, personally made clothes for primordial man in the Garden of Eden?  This act separated the man and woman from the beasts of the world.  While the animals wore only their natural fur, shell or skin humanity was now cloaked in vestments that were foreign to their bodies. The clothes Adam and Havvah wore differentiated them from beasts.  Of all the things that God could have given humanity – food, shelter, gifts of all sorts - He chose to only make for them clothes. 

 

     What Benno Jakob is telling us is that not only do clothes change the way we are seen they also have an impact on how we view ourselves.  They separate us from animals, lower life.  Yet, it is not only clothes alone that separate us from the beasts of the earth because we could wear ornaments that would only magnify the worst aspects of animal instinct.  Clothes can also have the ability to separate us from our worst, most base animal instincts.  For this reason, Judaism places great emphasis on dress, how we present ourselves

 

      Modesty of dress is one avenue of connection to the world and to the Divine.  Modesty means that we respect borders and privacy.  The way that we dress, for one example, is about limiting others from accessing our privacy.  It is the outward symbol of our desire to connect with other people positively and then as a result connect with the Divine One.  That is why the prophet Micah urges us “to walk with modesty before God.” 6:8

 

     How we present ourselves in the holy Sanctuary of Or Atid is one aspect of our physical carriage (provocative clothing is a no-no) but every time we venture out into the world we make a statement about our morals, values and what we wish to communicate to pothers about who we are.

 

     Moshe personally clothed his sibling, Aaron.  It was his task to appoint and dress the first Kohen.   When people saw Aaron wearing his Kohen garb they would accept him for his powerful office and high status. At the same time, Aaron would also feel special because the clothing would remind him that he was different. 

 
          Clothes are distinctive reminders of our being.  A tale of Nachum of Chernobyl tells of when he once lost sensation in his legs on a Shabbat. He looked down and discovered he was still wearing his weekday trousers. The soul of the tzaddik was sensitive to Shabbat and the great division between the mundane and the kodesh.  His subconscious was mindful of the holiness that his Shabbat clothes provided.

Love and Marriage

Sex is talked about extensively with couples about to be married.  So is Jewish living, compatibility and a host of other issues.  For most about-to-be-wed couples the marriage ceremony is the most nerve-racking experience they will ever endure. Invariably, the conversation will drift to caterers and food dishes, lighting and photographers, wines to be served and whines from those determinately dissatisfied relations and young children. While I try to be as helpful as possible regarding the more mundane facets of their wedding day they do not touch me. What concerns me are other things.

If your wedding day is going to be the happiest day of your life, don’t get married.

People do not like my advice but there it is.   The day of one's marriage is neither a paradigm for what will follow nor will it be the most joyous moment they will experience in their days together. An example. We all like birthdays with cakes and presents and cards. However, the only reason their birthdays are so popular and fun is because they happen only once per year.  The day after the party we do not expect to continue to be the center of attention.  Likewise, the day of marriage is the exception to the couple’s life together. One does not wed for the sake of the nuptials, although many do.

If the day under the Huppah is the most momentous occasion in a family's history there cannot be too much joy in the present and a little look forward to in the future. The best is always yet to come. Romantic moments on vacation or after work, bearing and rearing children, becoming grandparents even growing old together should be a source of immeasurable joy.

Part of the difficulty in breaking down the expectation that the wedding must be the happiest day of one’s life is exacerbated by the deterioration of the Jewish focus. With a central hub, drawing the partners into a mutual relationship -- which cannot be egocentric for it is God-centric -- wife and husband are brought closer.

Take for example, hospitality.  What we call hachnassat orchim, is simply inviting people to our home and making them comfortable.  Hachnassat orchim may mean inviting a guest for Passover for Shabbat or someone who needs a place to stay or eat. Hospitality is quickly disappearing from Jewish life and that bodes ill.  Hachnassat orchim even intimates befriending those who have no friends. In most instances that I am aware of even relatives are not really welcome in our homes. We seem to be lost a talent for being mensch to the people who need most.

How then do I persuade couples to get married with the day of their marriage will not be all that they expect it to be? There are several secrets. Allow me to share the most basic and most important. 

Be home on Friday night.

On that special Shabbat evening make no exceptions. It is the family night. Perhaps the children will fight and be aggravating. But notice how in the lives of those who practice the small ritual, the generation gap closes. Over candles and Kiddush and the mentions of the Holy One, blessed be He, family becomes whole, and less intent on securing their own agenda.

The more expedient option of sending the kids off to the movies and hockey practice does not improve the quality of experience and the family. Do you want your children to remember good family events?  Something they want to remember and cherish as they age? Something constant? Try Shabbat.

…And may your marriage could happier and happier as you feel the joy of being together, Jewishly.

Opportunities Abound

Try to make today better than yesterday.  Search for opportunities to grow and deepen your roots.

Make a list of Shabbat opportunities. What can you tackle as a family or individual to enhance the meaning of Shabbat in your life?

Action (mitzvot aseh)

It is a mitzvah for the family to prepare for Shabbat and celebrate it together. Individuals should consider inviting friends were joining with others to celebrate.

It is a mitzvah to light Shabbat candles with the appropriate berakha, blessing.

It is a mitzvah to sing the Kiddush and welcome Shabbat with wine, in the home as well as in the synagogue.

It is a mitzvah to say the berakha over two hallot when starting a meal.

It is a mitzvah to have a special meal and say birkat ha-mazon (grace after meals) afterward.

It is a mitzvah to join the Congregation in prayer during Shabbat.

It is a mitzvah to maintain and enjoy the special quality of Shabbat throughout the day.

It is a mitzvah to recite Havdalah, concluding the Shabbat, over a candle, wine and spices.

What not to do (mitzvot lo-taaseh)

  It is a mitzvah to not engage in gainful work on Shabbat.

 It is a mitzvah not to perform household chores and Shabbat.

 It is a Mitzvah to refrain from shopping on Shabbat.

 It is a mitzvah to not participate in social, organizational events on Shabbat.

These are 12 different mitzvot.*  There are many more we can consider and choose. However these suggestions are a good place to start.

*Mitzvah means, that which we do in response to God’s ordinance.

Shabbat Down Home

Hear the one about the dysfunctional family? After years of bitter pain and deep hurt they went to a psychiatrist. Years passed in therapy. After $50,000 worth of couch counseling the doctor spoke. He prescribed that they sit down to dinner as a family. Outlining his plan, he told them that when they get there around the table they had to refrain from watching television. And if that was not enough, they were obligated to either let the telephone ring or put on an answering machine. Family time. No disruptions. No exceptions.

This is holistic family medicine. It sounds nice doesn’t it? When I first heard that story (and I’ve heard it in various incarnations over the years) I either think of the Waltons with their serene existence -the most raucous episode included John-Boy not want to do his homework - not writing suicide notes or how stupid and insensitive modernity has made us.

Every family needs family time or that family will corrode from the inside out. The result?  The members seek another family. That is why kids to join cults, seek other faiths, or fall into bad relationships often come out of these corroded families. As no one can live without a support system (read: family) a surrogate family is deeply needed.

Shabbat is not an aberration, a mistake.  Candles are lit, the mood is set, wine is carried to the white covered tablecloth.  “Shabbat Shalom” precedes the singing of Shalom Aleichem, asking the angels to bless us.  Parents bless children.  Adults bless one another.  To touch is part of this sacred ceremony.  For the children hands are placed on their heads as the age-old formula is recited, “yivarechecha….”

I am always amazed that we are reluctant to take the medicine that we know we need.  We all loved “Father Knows Best” but stubbornly refuse to frame our lives in a structure and loving way.  Psychiatrists offices are crammed full of people who balk at accepting their inheritance.  Better to spend thousands of dollars to be told by the therapist that we need to spend more time with family…and answer the call of God.

Save yourself $50,000.

If we were to attend a restaurant that was decked out with pretty tablecloth, fresh bread, romantic candles, soft lights,, soon we would call it exceptional. And you can’t buy it anyway. Because it is free. Only free. No matinees. Only Friday night showings.

Shabbat is for home. It is for peace and family. I don’t even mind if you do not come to shul (yes I really said that!). Just be with the people you love.

But if you really want to spend $50,000 who am I to tell you no?

Shabbat

Last night I was dreaming

If only I could take a step back and contemplate my life’s direction.

If only I could take a moment to figure out who I really am and what is really important to me.

If only I could spend quality time with my family and friends on a regular basis.

If only I could smile just for the sake of smiling.

If only I could add a dimension to my existence by taking the time to sing or dance or listen or laugh.

If only I could recognize all that I have without worrying about all that I lack.

If only I could regularly appreciate the wonder and beauty of our world and feel harmony with it.

If only?

I need not dream.

I have Shabbat.

The obligation to stop for a moment,

Is freeing.

The obligation to be, new

Shabbat is rehumanizing.

Shabbat is liberation.

                 from If Only by Rabbi Hillel Goldberg

Shabbat is a break - a day set apart for introspection during which we stop creating and simply stop. The smoke from the rest of the week begins to clear and we can just be. It is a day for the soul to catch his breath and to rise above the mundane. We pause from our every day routines just long enough to realize that we are alive.

The first source for Shabbat in the Torah describes that God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh. Nature was left on this day without any external disturbances. Imagine the world like that today. 

Imagine yourself on a deserted island for one day, completely divorced from traffic jams, cell phones, automatic tellers and microwaves, in the state of harmony with nature. This is the compelling force of our age-old tradition which beckons us to be a part of this revitalizing experience, separating our humdrum every day lives from the beauty and power of Shabbat.

Shabbat observance is different for every person. Some observe it by not driving, not writing and not using electricity. Maybe spend the day in deep contemplative prayer. Some use Shabbat it as a time to get together with family and friends for a few hours at the end of each week. Some occasionally go to Friday night services.  Some spend a few moments to light Shabbat candles. Some pause just long enough to recognize that she bought is unique, special day.  These are all forms of Shabbat observance and all signify one central understanding, Shabbat is different from the rest of the week.

Tick, Tick, Tick

Norman Vincent Peale remarked that when he was young the ticking of his grandfather’s clock was ponderous.  “It seemed to say, “There—is--plenty – of –time.   There—is--plenty – of –time.  There—is--plenty – of –time.   There—is--plenty – of –time.”  But modern clocks, having a shorter pendulum with a swifter stroke, seem to say, “Time to get busy!   Time to get busy!    Time to get busy!    Time to get busy! ”

We have as much time as our ancestors had.  In fact, we have more because we live longer!  Then why does it seem that we have less time? 

We run from appointment to appointment.  Our calendars are so jam packed that we actually schedule “free time”  (if we can squeeze it in between frenetically sprinting from one meeting to the next).

All of those gadgets that are supposed to make our lives more condensed, safer, and swifter contribute to the problem.  A text “dings” in the middle of a meeting. The phone “jingles” in conversation with a friend.  We are on the phone wile driving to work.  Our kids play while we receive yet another “tweet.”  The car sounds when we forget to put on our indicator when we notice the lady driving towards us is “texting.”

Remember when Moshe rabbenu was on the mountain as heard the Voice telling him to take off his shoes while standing on holy ground?  Would Moshe even hear God speaking today with all the noise?

The prophet Habakkuk seemed to anticipate this when he said, “Let the earth be silent.”  In order to hear the supernal one speaking we need to quiet the noise in our head.  That means slowing time.

In the Talmud, a sage observed, “not all people, and not all places, and not all moments are the same.”  Every meeting, each touch, and all moments are unique events.  They happen once and can never be relived or re-done. Once gone, it is gone.

Rabbi Al Lewis used to tell that story of a young man applying for a new job.  “How long did you work for your last employer?” he was asked.

“Thirty-five years.”

Puzzled, the interviewer asked, “How old are you?”

“I am thirty,” he replied.

“Then how can you say you put in thirty five years in your former position?”

“I put in a lot of overtime.”

Is this you? 

Time is relentless but it is not infinite. 

King Solomon gave the best advice for a healthy life many thousands of years ago.  Enjoy life with your wife [read: family], whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life [read: the efforts we expend for empty endeavors] that God has given you under the sun--all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun.

Solomon was not being negative: he was witnessing the human proclivity to place value of things of little consequence.

We all know what is right and good and lends meaning to life.  In fact our tradition demands it.  Here are five:

1.                    Shabbat is meant to be spent with the people you love.  It is sacred, holy time.

2.                    Candles are beautiful.

3.                    Food is to be consumed but blessed.

4.                    Holy days and Shabbat, when spent with family and singing at shul, adds immeasurably to the value of our meager time.

5.                    We work to live not vice versa.