Love and Marriage

Sex is talked about extensively with couples about to be married.  So is Jewish living, compatibility and a host of other issues.  For most about-to-be-wed couples the marriage ceremony is the most nerve-racking experience they will ever endure. Invariably, the conversation will drift to caterers and food dishes, lighting and photographers, wines to be served and whines from those determinately dissatisfied relations and young children. While I try to be as helpful as possible regarding the more mundane facets of their wedding day they do not touch me. What concerns me are other things.

If your wedding day is going to be the happiest day of your life, don’t get married.

People do not like my advice but there it is.   The day of one's marriage is neither a paradigm for what will follow nor will it be the most joyous moment they will experience in their days together. An example. We all like birthdays with cakes and presents and cards. However, the only reason their birthdays are so popular and fun is because they happen only once per year.  The day after the party we do not expect to continue to be the center of attention.  Likewise, the day of marriage is the exception to the couple’s life together. One does not wed for the sake of the nuptials, although many do.

If the day under the Huppah is the most momentous occasion in a family's history there cannot be too much joy in the present and a little look forward to in the future. The best is always yet to come. Romantic moments on vacation or after work, bearing and rearing children, becoming grandparents even growing old together should be a source of immeasurable joy.

Part of the difficulty in breaking down the expectation that the wedding must be the happiest day of one’s life is exacerbated by the deterioration of the Jewish focus. With a central hub, drawing the partners into a mutual relationship -- which cannot be egocentric for it is God-centric -- wife and husband are brought closer.

Take for example, hospitality.  What we call hachnassat orchim, is simply inviting people to our home and making them comfortable.  Hachnassat orchim may mean inviting a guest for Passover for Shabbat or someone who needs a place to stay or eat. Hospitality is quickly disappearing from Jewish life and that bodes ill.  Hachnassat orchim even intimates befriending those who have no friends. In most instances that I am aware of even relatives are not really welcome in our homes. We seem to be lost a talent for being mensch to the people who need most.

How then do I persuade couples to get married with the day of their marriage will not be all that they expect it to be? There are several secrets. Allow me to share the most basic and most important. 

Be home on Friday night.

On that special Shabbat evening make no exceptions. It is the family night. Perhaps the children will fight and be aggravating. But notice how in the lives of those who practice the small ritual, the generation gap closes. Over candles and Kiddush and the mentions of the Holy One, blessed be He, family becomes whole, and less intent on securing their own agenda.

The more expedient option of sending the kids off to the movies and hockey practice does not improve the quality of experience and the family. Do you want your children to remember good family events?  Something they want to remember and cherish as they age? Something constant? Try Shabbat.

…And may your marriage could happier and happier as you feel the joy of being together, Jewishly.

Thinking About Past and Future

As Jews, we have marked time with both the moon and the sun reminding us of the passage of the seasons.  Time is important.  For example, nobody ever knew exactly how grandpa was.  He ran from Czarist Russia and certain death when he was just fourteen.  Unfortunately, many things were left behind in the old country, including his age.  We never learned grandpa’s birthday either.  We tried to figure it out after he died, but it was all guesswork.

Age and dates are important.  That is why we continually look back into time to trace the roots of our present.  The only gauge of time that goes back beyond human record-keeping is the Bible.  Scholars investigating genealogies of matriarchs, patriarchs; of wars and treaties, prophets and saints have read back into time the present age of the world.  They read all the “begots” with a measured eye.  According to their estimate, the world is now five thousand seven hundred seventy odd years old.

The date of the birth of the world this year falls on September 5, 2013.  That date comes to us from all the years of the lives of the ancient ones along with the passage of the marked epochs of time. 

Why are birth dates important?  It celebrates an arrival.  Your birthday is important because you entered the world on this day.  All the gifts that you have brought would not have happened without you.  That is the reason for the cake, candles, and song.  We are wanted and needed.  We are unique and indispensable.

All birthdays are also the occasion of re-assessments of self and being.  We consider who we are, what we have become and where we have veered off the path of further self revelation.  Birthdays are a time of renewal.

September 5th is important as it celebrates both a beginning and renewal.  We wish the world a better future.  We have abused it far too much with deforestation, pollution, lack of concern for life-forms that are dependent upon us, an absence of love.  We have uprooted without planting.  We have disemboweled the earth without replenishing it.  We have savaged all but the heartiest of animals and plants. 

At the same time, this yearly Rosh Hashanna is a call for renewal for inter-personal changes.  It does little good to treat the dog well, while we abuse people.  Remember: all people are as unique and as gifted as you.  Every person carries a blessing that they alone can give.  For the Jewish tradition it is said that any person can be the emissary of God, the Mashiah.  The pauper on the street, a child’s face, your girlfriend, your father, or spouse may be the chosen.  Since we do not know who the hidden emissary may be we must treat everyone as if they are the One.

From the entire Jewish community, may this New Year be a time of renewal of hope and determined love.  May you be blessed.  May you be the blessing, in 5774.