Purim Data

Imagine. What a tale we share at Purim time.

Here are these two guys, Bigthan and Theresh, emasculated I might add, who sieza the throne until Mordecai gets wind of it, leading us to the fateful line: “When the queens eunuchs made a play for the throne it was a very impotent moment in history.” Inconceivable right?

Now what were these guys doing there anyway? And why were they, well, you know. Back in ancient China they used to do this sort of thing to poor young boys so that they could guard the Emperor and his harem. While the rest of the kingdom would bow and genuflect before the king, these guys would scurry about about whispering little terrors into the head honcho’s ear. Believe it or not, the church liked cash traded boys as well as the voices added a shirt and something to the choir. Needless to say, listening to them must have been a unique experience.

Meanwhile back at the castle, Vashti was in deep Doo Doo. Here is a little ditty I wrote in Vashti’s  honor:

What a young lady (like her shvester),

Who had a punim like Uncle Fester,

She was a blight,

Upon the King’s sight,

So he opted for the sexy Esther.

Well, so much for her. Now the real story begins.  As a man of religion I am always sensitive to parallels and precedence. I think of Adam and Eve when I think of love. When they ate the fruit was the case of cores and defect. So too with beautiful Esther.

I have it from the greatesthistorian and lucid fabricator, Rabbi I.M. Wise that Haman’s real name was Mervin.  When he tried to open a casino in downtown Shushan, the peasants began to revolt when they heavily losing saying, “Hey man, what are the odds on blackjack?”   The name stuck. “Hey man,” is also spelled Hyman or Haman.  Those guys were so dumb they thought arcade was a beverage invented by Noah.

They believed way back then, I am not making this up, that baths were for weaklings. These men proved their manhood by never, but never, coming into bodily contact with anything remotely resembling soap. Frankly, I have done an exhaustive study of the roots of their revulsion observing boys over several years. My conclusion: males Hyman and Harriet, inborn fear of all things clean.

The dreaded childhood malady, Cooties, stems from ancient Persia when men have to protect themselves from the time when Vashti demanded that the king bathe. Their conversation went something like this:

Vashti: Ashky, can we talk?”

King: “Huh?”

Vashti: “Do the flies buzzing around your head ever bother you?”

King: “Say what?”

Vashti:  “I want you to wash up.  Take a bath.”

King: “Guards!”

One who is that terrified of water to not be a good influence.

Even today and ordinary bar of Ivory Soap strategically placed in a body of water presently inhabited by peaceful young boy playing with his Ninja Turtles from Hell turns this darling into an ICBM. Naturally this proves that males have a chromosome defect, which makes them allergic to all non-dirt items.

Incidentally, I have tested this theory personally and have consulted over 5000 random samples and I found that the most mild children can be transformed to Genghis Khan with a toothache, from soap and water.

It is only with very thorough brainwashing that we manage to wedge them into a bath everynow and again. Left to their own devices life would revert back to the Dark Ages.

More Purim Knowledge

Professor J. L. Siegel is a scholar from the town of Pulkey, New Jersey.  He has given many talks on the lofty topic of creatures in the air and their relationship to Judaism.  Through a variety of lofty concepts of creatures of the air and the relationship to our faith, Judaism. Through a variety of means-telling talons and generally winging it-Professor Jonathan Siegal will lead our congregation to this little known, but critical, area of Jewish thought.

Part of Siegel’s approach incorporates the analysis of ancient texts. For example, most people are not aware of the fact that the beasts of the air pre-dated the arrival of mankind by one full day.  

Furthermore, higher on the pecking order of life, these important animals maintain a distinct position in the world. In fact, there is reason to suggest that these beasts had a hand (?) in the creation of humanity. The winged ones prefigured man’s formation, the holy writ mysteriously remarks, “Let us make man in our own image.” Who was the us in the ancient narrative? According to the sage, Rabbi M. Shuggina, someone or something had to help. The bird fit the bill.

While some theories have run afoul over the course of time, J. L. Siegel’s proposal seems to be grounded in some reality. Looking to the original version Genesis we find the words, v’et ofe k’naf (1:21), which could either mean “the voice of the cornered clod or “the winged clod.” Siegel proposes that it means the latter, again suggesting that the vital role that the bird played in the creation process.

The power of the winged creatures is further demonstrated by the flood sequence. The saintly I. M. Klutz once noted that the first bird dispatched from Noah’s Ark was the raven. What, says Klutz, is important about that? Not a lot. But if we look closely at the original Hebrew we find an amazing philological occurrence.  Vayaytzay yatso v’shove, ad vyoshet.  “The raven fluttered all over the place (my translation) until became embarrassed.”  What creature could feel this deep emotion, if not a highly intelligent and gifted being? Plucky as ever, though often ridiculed for his approach, Siegal has maintained his theory.

We are delighted to welcome Dr. Siegel into our community for a relatively modest fee, chicken feed.  Jonathan Livingston Siegel is a prolific author. Among his more famous works are, The Truth About Lyndon Johnson’s Wife and Daughters, Cry Foul, and the bestseller One Day in the Life of Ivan Sandersovitch.

Scratch-Outs

A little boy was watching his father, Rabbi, prepare a sermon. “How do you know what to write?” he asked. The rabbi said, “Well, after I think for a while God tells me what to write.” The boy was quiet for a moment before saying, “Then why do you keep crossing out so much?”

Privately, it is easy to make corrections: no one has to see the original text. We can write and rewrite the wording. Being creative requires imagination with lots of room for experimentation and errors. Well I am sure that God helps we have a definite proclivity for making errors. That is why we have so many scratch outs.

The Talmud uses a simple and terse language.  It leave so much in need of clarification, that the great sages with scribble notes, pose questions, graft answers and even draw diagrams in the margins (as it used to be the paper was scarce). Some printer later saw the scribbling and had the notation inserted as permanent marginal notes. That was how Rashi’s commentary, among many others, came to found on each page of the Talmud.

Mistakes are inevitable part of the process. Mistakes mean that you were trying. They are living proof of personal growth. A colleague, Rabbi Harold Kushner said, “People do not learn from their successes. They grow from the failures.” These failures represent the scratchers in the margins.

If it were not for the marginal notes of Rashi and others, the Talmud would not be the Talmud.  It is with all scientific studies that take place in labs were failures always exceed successes.

I look forward to the scratch-outs of life.

A Purim Message

Success our community would be if everyone pulled their resources and strands for the sake of the synagogue. I imagine all these talents working in tandem using their acumen and artistry to build our community.

Such thinking makes me wistful about what could be…

What if everyone came to Services on the holy days and Shabbat?

What if our fundraisers were fully supported?

What if we have more storage space?

What if we all learned the lyrics to “Ina Gadda de Vida?”

It makes the mind wander to the more ethereal matters of life.  There are acute issues which touch the heart of every human being.  Mysteries like the engine knock which satanically vanishes as we pull into the service station.  And why the internet or cable goes on the fritz during the latest James Bond movie.
But the deepest mystery of life is longevity.  What makes some people live to ripe old ages puffing away on Marlboros (but not inhaling, ask Bill Clinton) and others give pitifully short lives? What, for instance, makes a man like Moses live to 120 years old or Methuselah to 969 years? My friends, I have learned the truth. The elixir of life is at hand. Here is the secret:

The ancient ones lived for hundreds of years while we exist for a few decades. Why? Researchers at the famed Newark College for Gerontology recently discovered the fountain of youth through carbon 14 dating.

It is possible, according to Dr. Mervin Eckstein, to live for record times. The clue lies in the Bible. Dr. Eckstein points out that it was not until this mid 90s that Abraham had a son. Soon after the birth of Isaac, both he and his wife passed on. So too it is with all the biblical heroes. Those should put off having children until old-age lived the longest.

Just have been conducted my own survey of households –I studied pictures of BC and AC (before and after children) and noticed in 97.3% in all the cases dramatic hair loss, added weight and crows feet on postpartum family pictures.

Ah, you saying, “What about all those youthful looking ultra orthodox woman with trails of children following them?” Well, I personally called Dr. Eckstein he told me that most of these young ladies are when the 12 to 16-year-old category. “By the time they reach 32 years old,” so the professor said, “They try out to be on the box of California raisins.”

Now, since Judaism demands children and since we’d all like to make it long enough to collect Social Security, I’m advising the following: Postpone child rearing until the mid-80s. Such a move no doubt enable us to donate more time and expend greater energy on behalf of the shul.

Happy Purim!

How to Make Sure Your Grandchildren's Name will be Horowitz.

How to make absolutely sure that your grandchildren's name will be Horowitz.

I am torn in my kishkes over what I perceive happening to American Jewry. To the shores of the Goldena Medina fled my grandparents in search of a haven for you from the Jew haters of Europe.

It started, they told me, when the Easter Church bells began to ring.  A crowd of towns people broke into Jewish homes and shops, stealing what destroying everything in sight. The police stood by and did nothing. They watched and observed.  By nightfall the looters turned into murderers and fell young Jews with knives and clubs torturing and killing them. Only once did the police interfere. A group of Jews were trying to defend themselves with sticks. So the police stepped in to disarm them.

So it was with Golda Meir.  So it was with our great grandparents.  En masse, hundreds of thousands fled toward freedom and the hope of a better life.

Has been more than good to us. It is given us everything we have ever dreamed up: freedom, food up Sunday, and claimant, and entrepreneurial opportunities. Even the non-Jews have been good. Sure, there is anti-Semitism but it is a polite, well-mannered prejudice not the kind we became accustomed to in the old country. Frankly, anti-Semitism is not a major issue or preoccupation of most American Jews.

I have met some parents who have inculcated their children with the idea that they are hated just because they are Jews.  This is convoluted.  Worse, it is a lie. They know that gentiles do not hate them.  Our children’s lives have likely never been touched by anti-Semites.  The net result of being told that they must be Jewish because of Hitler will probably end up becoming the dismissal of their heritage because Hitler is long dead.  “Why then be Jewish?” they reason.

Not only has America been good to Jews, that there is little anti- Semitism, but America is a good place. That is, most Americans are beacons of morality. You can wear your keep out on the street and not be accosted. What does this say?

Gentiles in America are on the whole moral people. So, if being Jewish means not having a monopoly on the goodness why be Jewish?  Second point: let’s face it, you raise your kids to believe that Jews are better because we are kinder, more considerate and God-fearing people. Our children recognize that to be another lie. We are no better than they.

Children in the religious school are often perplexed over this issue. What does it mean to be part of the “chosen people”? They are taught by their parents that being Jewish makes them more moral. But they are struggling with that obvious lie.  Their Gentile friends are good. Net result: there is no moral argument to convince her children to grow up to be

A new paradigm needs to be inveighed.  Do we have the courage to say what makes us really unique?  The heritage of Israel?  The binding of a people to God with mitzvot, commandments?

We have an ancient tradition that needs to be rediscovered.

The Synagogue

I am an optimist by nature. I would rather think the best and most situations and people. Having said that, I do not confess to believe in utopia either on the grand or micro level. The fight is part of the plan. Struggle makes living worthwhile. That is why meaningful relationships are born through tumultuous times and productive work often turns out to be disappointing.

The book of Kohelet, Ecclesiastes, is read during the Fall days of Sukkot.  It cautions, “Everything is beautiful in its time.” The Sages interpret this phrase to mean that everything happens for a purpose, which may not immediately discernible to us. We learn and grow from every experience. Even the bad. Especially the bad.

And elderly Jewish woman was convinced by her children to come join them at their modern synagogue in suburbia. She came for the holidays from her old shteibel. At the end of services they gathered around to ask their mother what she thought about their synagogue’s striking architecture or, the plush cushy seats, air conditioning and their American rabbi. She agreed it was all very nice but she had one complaint, “alles is shayn, ober men ken nisht vaynen dorten,” (Everything is beautiful but there is no room to cry).

The full range of emotions must govern our lives and be considered part of what it means to be fully human. To exclude the possibility of facing up to difficult situations is to deny ourselves growth. The shul is the paradigm exemplar of the home. We cry and bless, we soothe and challenge, fight and dance in this place.

I pray that you find in your synagogue a place to feel free to exercise the full range of your emotions. The purpose of it is not to be beautiful but a place to inspire.

An offering from the Talmud:

I am a creature of God

And my neighbor is a creature of God.

I work is in the city

And his work is in the field.

I rise in the morning to go to my work

And he rises in the morning to go to his work.

As he cannot excel in my work,

So I cannot excel in his work.

 Perhaps you will say that I do great things

And he does small things.

We have learned that it does not matter whether one does much or little

Only if he directs his heart to heaven.

-Berakhot 17

Shavuot

There is an ancient tradition among Jews to mark events of the past with reminders that align us closely to that time. Each holy day is and opportunity to recall experiences from our long past. We relive them through song, movement, food, ceremonies and hopeful prayers.

Thus on Hanukkah we kindle tiny lights as a memorial to a festival of light. And on Purim we revel in song and costume. So too with Shavout, often referred to as Pentecost. The prefix penta, 50, refers to a cataclysmic event which affected only a small tribe of people but whose power continues to reverberate through the epochs.

Some seven weeks of seven days after witnessing the terror at the Sea of Reeds, the faithful found themselves at the foot of a towering mountain. Sinai.

Convulsing as if in labor, the earth trembled beneath the feet of the Sons of Israel. The mountain shook as the skies belched fire and cracked the heavens. Terrified, the people watched as their leader ascended the mountain to receive the Word.

Shavuot comes on the 50^th day after the Exodus as an eternal reminder of God’s gift to humanity. That one event so many millennia ago has irrevocably changed the path of mankind. That revelation of the will of God set a new standard of morality for all people.

Beginning with the 10 Ordinances and culminating in Five Books of Law, new yardstick of acceptable moral behavior was in place. Humanity was no longer free to kill with impunity or create its own levels and standards of good behavior but had to rely instead on and independent code.

The evening of Shavuot marks the anniversary of that event.  Shavuot begins with the appearance of three stars visible in the night sky.  Until late in the evening, Jews gather in homes and that Synagogues to recall the day with Moses climbed Mount Sinai amidst the deafening roar above and below.