Purim Data

Imagine. What a tale we share at Purim time.

Here are these two guys, Bigthan and Theresh, emasculated I might add, who sieza the throne until Mordecai gets wind of it, leading us to the fateful line: “When the queens eunuchs made a play for the throne it was a very impotent moment in history.” Inconceivable right?

Now what were these guys doing there anyway? And why were they, well, you know. Back in ancient China they used to do this sort of thing to poor young boys so that they could guard the Emperor and his harem. While the rest of the kingdom would bow and genuflect before the king, these guys would scurry about about whispering little terrors into the head honcho’s ear. Believe it or not, the church liked cash traded boys as well as the voices added a shirt and something to the choir. Needless to say, listening to them must have been a unique experience.

Meanwhile back at the castle, Vashti was in deep Doo Doo. Here is a little ditty I wrote in Vashti’s  honor:

What a young lady (like her shvester),

Who had a punim like Uncle Fester,

She was a blight,

Upon the King’s sight,

So he opted for the sexy Esther.

Well, so much for her. Now the real story begins.  As a man of religion I am always sensitive to parallels and precedence. I think of Adam and Eve when I think of love. When they ate the fruit was the case of cores and defect. So too with beautiful Esther.

I have it from the greatesthistorian and lucid fabricator, Rabbi I.M. Wise that Haman’s real name was Mervin.  When he tried to open a casino in downtown Shushan, the peasants began to revolt when they heavily losing saying, “Hey man, what are the odds on blackjack?”   The name stuck. “Hey man,” is also spelled Hyman or Haman.  Those guys were so dumb they thought arcade was a beverage invented by Noah.

They believed way back then, I am not making this up, that baths were for weaklings. These men proved their manhood by never, but never, coming into bodily contact with anything remotely resembling soap. Frankly, I have done an exhaustive study of the roots of their revulsion observing boys over several years. My conclusion: males Hyman and Harriet, inborn fear of all things clean.

The dreaded childhood malady, Cooties, stems from ancient Persia when men have to protect themselves from the time when Vashti demanded that the king bathe. Their conversation went something like this:

Vashti: Ashky, can we talk?”

King: “Huh?”

Vashti: “Do the flies buzzing around your head ever bother you?”

King: “Say what?”

Vashti:  “I want you to wash up.  Take a bath.”

King: “Guards!”

One who is that terrified of water to not be a good influence.

Even today and ordinary bar of Ivory Soap strategically placed in a body of water presently inhabited by peaceful young boy playing with his Ninja Turtles from Hell turns this darling into an ICBM. Naturally this proves that males have a chromosome defect, which makes them allergic to all non-dirt items.

Incidentally, I have tested this theory personally and have consulted over 5000 random samples and I found that the most mild children can be transformed to Genghis Khan with a toothache, from soap and water.

It is only with very thorough brainwashing that we manage to wedge them into a bath everynow and again. Left to their own devices life would revert back to the Dark Ages.