We are taught to remember facts and formulas. From early childhood this is how we were gridded and judged; by how well we memorized and used what we were supposed to learn. They gave us tests, examinations and papers to write to prove that we could ably handle all that the teachers wanted us to know. And our teachers were many: they were our employees, employers, parents, siblings, friends, cashiers, the mechanic.... We are constantly judged by how well we recall what we were told to remember.
Learning to forget is also a useful tool. I do not mean to suggest forgetting what we should remember, but forgetting what we should not recall.
Universally we want to live with peace of mind. Yet when we constantly relive painful experiences, when we replay hurtful conversations, and sneer that those who have offended us we can never live in peace. We torment ourselves and those around us. Those who bemoan the fact that they have few friends should consider practicing the art of forgetfulness.
Rebbe Nachman taught, "Most people think of
forgetfulness as a defect.
I consider it a great benefit.
Being able to forget, frees you
from the burdens of the past."
A word about davvenning, prayer. It is impossible to open your heart to prayer when you are bitter. Thinking about how you have been harmed, abused or ignored serves to soil the prayer. How can you communicate with the God who forgives when you are angry? Forgetting past harms allows us to reach out from the depths of our soul to the Holy One, Blessed He. Real davenning begins with gratitude and it is hard to be grateful when we are filled with anger.
Pesach is coming soon. No one would fault us for hating the Egyptians for enslaving our people for hundreds of years. Yet, our tradition teaches us to let go of the anger, precisely because we know what it means to be filled with it. Further, it demands that we be kind to the stranger so that we do not end up resembling our tormentors.
Such remembrances lessen our lives. It degrades our joy and aspirations. It makes us mean, competitive (in order to make those who have offended us suffer). I have learned this same lesson from many survivors of the Shoah. How they learned to survive after their suffering is to forget their victimizers while remembering the lessons of tolerance.
Pain, our sages taught, is a great teacher. It tells us how not to hold on to grudges and be filled with hatred. It teaches us the opposite, how to be empathic and fight against bigotry and intolerance which are the first stops of the road to genocide.
Charles Handy wrote, "In the end, all societies are remembered for the way they spend their wealth, than for how they made it.”
The same will be said of us, we will be remembered for how well we learned to forget and turn what could have been hatred into hope. I hope that when we come to Pesach this year, we will turn our minds to the afflictions of the past (and reference the ongoing ones), forget the harm, remember the marvelous deliverance and work to become the model of what God knows we can be: givers of life and forgiveness.
