A Purim Message

Success our community would be if everyone pulled their resources and strands for the sake of the synagogue. I imagine all these talents working in tandem using their acumen and artistry to build our community.

Such thinking makes me wistful about what could be…

What if everyone came to Services on the holy days and Shabbat?

What if our fundraisers were fully supported?

What if we have more storage space?

What if we all learned the lyrics to “Ina Gadda de Vida?”

It makes the mind wander to the more ethereal matters of life.  There are acute issues which touch the heart of every human being.  Mysteries like the engine knock which satanically vanishes as we pull into the service station.  And why the internet or cable goes on the fritz during the latest James Bond movie.
But the deepest mystery of life is longevity.  What makes some people live to ripe old ages puffing away on Marlboros (but not inhaling, ask Bill Clinton) and others give pitifully short lives? What, for instance, makes a man like Moses live to 120 years old or Methuselah to 969 years? My friends, I have learned the truth. The elixir of life is at hand. Here is the secret:

The ancient ones lived for hundreds of years while we exist for a few decades. Why? Researchers at the famed Newark College for Gerontology recently discovered the fountain of youth through carbon 14 dating.

It is possible, according to Dr. Mervin Eckstein, to live for record times. The clue lies in the Bible. Dr. Eckstein points out that it was not until this mid 90s that Abraham had a son. Soon after the birth of Isaac, both he and his wife passed on. So too it is with all the biblical heroes. Those should put off having children until old-age lived the longest.

Just have been conducted my own survey of households –I studied pictures of BC and AC (before and after children) and noticed in 97.3% in all the cases dramatic hair loss, added weight and crows feet on postpartum family pictures.

Ah, you saying, “What about all those youthful looking ultra orthodox woman with trails of children following them?” Well, I personally called Dr. Eckstein he told me that most of these young ladies are when the 12 to 16-year-old category. “By the time they reach 32 years old,” so the professor said, “They try out to be on the box of California raisins.”

Now, since Judaism demands children and since we’d all like to make it long enough to collect Social Security, I’m advising the following: Postpone child rearing until the mid-80s. Such a move no doubt enable us to donate more time and expend greater energy on behalf of the shul.

Happy Purim!