Love and Marriage

Sex is talked about extensively with couples about to be married.  So is Jewish living, compatibility and a host of other issues.  For most about-to-be-wed couples the marriage ceremony is the most nerve-racking experience they will ever endure. Invariably, the conversation will drift to caterers and food dishes, lighting and photographers, wines to be served and whines from those determinately dissatisfied relations and young children. While I try to be as helpful as possible regarding the more mundane facets of their wedding day they do not touch me. What concerns me are other things.

If your wedding day is going to be the happiest day of your life, don’t get married.

People do not like my advice but there it is.   The day of one's marriage is neither a paradigm for what will follow nor will it be the most joyous moment they will experience in their days together. An example. We all like birthdays with cakes and presents and cards. However, the only reason their birthdays are so popular and fun is because they happen only once per year.  The day after the party we do not expect to continue to be the center of attention.  Likewise, the day of marriage is the exception to the couple’s life together. One does not wed for the sake of the nuptials, although many do.

If the day under the Huppah is the most momentous occasion in a family's history there cannot be too much joy in the present and a little look forward to in the future. The best is always yet to come. Romantic moments on vacation or after work, bearing and rearing children, becoming grandparents even growing old together should be a source of immeasurable joy.

Part of the difficulty in breaking down the expectation that the wedding must be the happiest day of one’s life is exacerbated by the deterioration of the Jewish focus. With a central hub, drawing the partners into a mutual relationship -- which cannot be egocentric for it is God-centric -- wife and husband are brought closer.

Take for example, hospitality.  What we call hachnassat orchim, is simply inviting people to our home and making them comfortable.  Hachnassat orchim may mean inviting a guest for Passover for Shabbat or someone who needs a place to stay or eat. Hospitality is quickly disappearing from Jewish life and that bodes ill.  Hachnassat orchim even intimates befriending those who have no friends. In most instances that I am aware of even relatives are not really welcome in our homes. We seem to be lost a talent for being mensch to the people who need most.

How then do I persuade couples to get married with the day of their marriage will not be all that they expect it to be? There are several secrets. Allow me to share the most basic and most important. 

Be home on Friday night.

On that special Shabbat evening make no exceptions. It is the family night. Perhaps the children will fight and be aggravating. But notice how in the lives of those who practice the small ritual, the generation gap closes. Over candles and Kiddush and the mentions of the Holy One, blessed be He, family becomes whole, and less intent on securing their own agenda.

The more expedient option of sending the kids off to the movies and hockey practice does not improve the quality of experience and the family. Do you want your children to remember good family events?  Something they want to remember and cherish as they age? Something constant? Try Shabbat.

…And may your marriage could happier and happier as you feel the joy of being together, Jewishly.

Make My Feet Firm Through You

You are not alone. At times, it may feel as if you are making choices and confronted by pain with no one there to ease the burden, or share the load. Certainly, the road is the long one. No one can tell where it may end. Yet, you are not alone. God is with you, at your side.

In the journey of life you will get lost. Disoriented.  It is all right. It is not a failure. This is how we learn, when confronted by challenges. To stop along the road and ask for directions is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of maturity. When we ask, we learn.

Others have been this way before. They too, had a companion. God knows the route. His Presence comforted them in their time of sorrow and pain.  The same Force will uphold you.  Allow God to help. Trust Him and His power. And do not forget to thank him.

A Story

Rabbi Yochanan said, “A man was walking along the road late at night. Suddenly, his lamp was blown out by a great gust of cold wind. He lit it again but it went out again. Finally he said to himself, “Why should I kill myself over this lantern? It is obvious that I will never be able to make the lamp stay lit. I will sit down right here by the road and wait for sunlight. When it comes I will try again.”

So it is with the Lord God. When it was His will to have B’nai Israel released from the evil grip of Pharaoh, he sent Moses, our teacher. And when we were exiled to the distant reaches of Babylon, He sent his servant Zurubabel. Mordecai saved us from Haman (may his name be blotted out for all time, Amen.)

So it was with the Maccabees and with every evil pall that has been cast over the Jewish people. The Holy One, blessed be He, heard the moans of His people. Enduring terrible pain the people turned to the rabbis who combed the ancient and holy texts. They found this prayer:

Lord, free us no longer through the intervention of man; we are weary of the endless cycle of enslavement, freedom and enslavement again.  Be our Redeemer, Lord, not a mortal man. Let no person lighten us but lighten us Yourself. As it is written, “For with You is the fountain of life; in Your light we see light.

Faith

Where is God today? Few question the existence or presence of the Lord in history. We speak of God as the Ultimate Creator.  God was the Source in the Garden of Eden. God was liberating force long ago in Egypt, the nexus of the event we celebrate each spring.

Moshe Rabbenu saw the shadow of God on Mt. Sinai. In the ancient ghettos of Venice or Rome the people knew God and accepted His Hand.  Throughout the breadth of personal and collective histories we can hear the plaintive voices of our bubbes and zaydes.

To see the power of God in history is not an achievement. We tend to question God's existence now, not retrospectively. People make demands of the present that have never been made before. For example, past queries would probe the notion of justice and challenge the belief whether what we were doing was what God really wanted us to do.

Our ancestors questioned of the interpretation of practices such as why tefillin be located so high on the forehead. They pondered issues like does God really intervene in our daily affairs? They did not, however, question the existence of the Deity. In short, their doubts centered around belief that God… Our questions revolve around believe in God.

Herein lies the basis for most of the existential woes of modernity.  We do not have firm roots. As a result, insecurity, doubt and fear are natural byproducts of us becoming arbiters of right and morality. Compounding the problem, we consider our value based on what others make of us and we are therefor frequently in trouble.

When we see others acting in ways that we believe to be inappropriate or wrong; when we do not get approval from people who we love; when someone does something hateful towards us, we take these as indications that define our value.

Were our self definition to be based on an unchanging, absolute belief our sense of self would be assured.  When I set my mind on the truths of God I am liberated from the roller coaster and begin to tread the road of selfhood, rather than engaging my worth from the approval of others. Boundaries are more firm when we stand on solid ground.

”You are my witnesses that I am God,” (Isaiah 43)

When you are with my witnesses, I am God;

when you are not My witnesses, I am –as it were – not God.” -Midrash

Truth

There is a Yiddish expression, der emes iz der bester lign, Truth is the safest lie."

Listen to these two ideas:

1) Everyone must be willing to entertain change for the sake of growth.

2) All must be consistent with their inner self; to do what make sense to the soul and not heed the outside voices.  "But," you interject, "aren't they conflicting statements?"  Yes, they are.  And still they are both true.

There are two kinds of truth - the immutable and the ephemeral.  Ephemeral truth is based on the needs of the moment.  It is the kind of statement found in the "Dear Abby" columns. It seems right.  Abby uses common sense based on circumstance and time.

For example.  There is the old Jewish line about the kid who murders both parents.  The boy then throws himself on the mercy of the court on the grounds that he is an orphan.  He speaks a truth.

For example.  It is a modern truism that character is developed largely through the media of sorts and the arts.  Growth patterns then follow after what they see and learn at music, art, little league and the rest.  And the best time to hone these skills is during the weekend.  It is also a truism that music, painting and sports collide with Shabbat and Holy Days as they vie for the same time slot.  So how can we reconcile that conflict?

All this reminds of the rabbi's dilemma.  Two entrepreneurs vehemently insisted to their spiritual leader they they were correct in their business venture and the other was at fault.  One at a time the present their arguments.  After the first states his case,  the rabbi turns to the first litigant and says, "You are right."  The other then states his case and the rabbi grudgingly said, "And you are right."  The rebbetzin, listening by the door, burst into the room and said, "How can they both be right?"  The rabbi responded, "You too are right." 

Ephemeral truth is like that.  Contradicting statements can be simultaneously ne true.  A dog can be both smart and dumb at the same time.

Immutable truth differs from ephemeral truth in one dramatic way: it never changes and cannot be contradicted by time or circumstance.  Whereas children “need” to learn how to play trombone, it is not essential for them or an adult to know how to play.  Similarly, it is important to call friends often so that they know we care, but it is not essential that we do so.

Immutable truth is grounded in being.  The Aseret haDibbrot (Ten Commandments) is one example or Immutable Truth.  There are no extenuating circumstances for shaming parents or for committing adultery. Everyone understands the inherent evil in these acts. Likewise, even though we have lacunae or doubts there is God, always.  Job, the improbable theologian, does not doubt God’s existence or His goodness. Job simply says, “God knows.”  There is a helmsman at the wheel. This is what we need to know, accept and understand.

There are three major Jewish festivals during the year, Sukkot, Pesach and Shavuot.  Sukkot is our time of uncertainty.  It gives rise to all the ephemeral truths of our lives birth, death, wealth, change, despair and hope.

It is hard to think much between reading labels and mopping the floor. Still, the overriding message of Pesach is freedom, which is more of a call than a truth. Pesach is the holiday that calls to our soul, “wake up.”

Shavuot, however, is the holy day of Immutable Truth. It beckons and we understand the depths of its eternal truth.  But Immutable Truth, unlike the truths of the moment, is difficult to accept. It leaves no room for negotiation. It just is.

This is, by the way, why I believe Shavuot Is always “forgotten holiday.” Strangely, Shavuot is the most power-laden holiday on the Jewish calendar. God speaks on Shavuot. His voice echoes from Sinai and Truth is heard. There’s no getting around the Law or Voice. It spans the epochs and is unchanging.

On Learning from Children

Rabbi Zushya hungered to achieve a level of holiness that would enrich his life.  So Zushya travelled from master to master asking the same question.  One day his journey intersected withe famous Maggid.

The Maggid responded to Zushya, “You can receive your answer by observing a small child.  A child can teach you how to be happy for no particular reason. He can teach how to never be still even for a moment when you need something.  He will cry and fret until he is calmed.”

What did the Maggid mean by this?

He was talking about God and life.  Rabbi Zushya needed to understand that happiness can be found when we live in the moment and let go of what has passed.  Have you ever seen a little girl cry and then laugh two seconds later?  She does not hold on to her anger but lets it go; releasing it once the moment is gone.

Little ones are always on the move.  The smaller the child, the more active they are. 

I heard once of a football player who decided to do an experiment.  He imitated everything his four-year old did.  The child climbed the stairs on their knees, so did the father.  The child danced, the parent danced.  At the end of the day the adult was thoroughly exhausted.  Imagine, indicates the Maggid, if good people put that kind of effort into a relationship with God, doing mitzvot.  The world would not even need the Mashiach!

Finally, tots have temper tantrums.  If they do not get what they want they stamp their feet and cry.  Says the Maggid; we need to follow their example.  When we see an injustice we should shout, even scream.  When we witness evil we should be as upset and vocal as a toddler.  Can you imagine how wonderful this world would be if every time some evil act was done others began to wail and carry on like a police siren?  Bad people would soon be shut down.

Good advice, wasn’t it?

The Winter of our Hearts

Let’s face it January is dull.

Once you slip past the noise and commotion of New Years, it is a let –down.  Most of the trees have long been drained of their foliage.  They stand stark, like a lonely vigil on front lawns gallantly facing the unrelenting shuddering cold.  Like the few adventurous souls that dare to venture out into the street, they shiver against the battering torrents of wind.

This season is hard on the eyes.  What can possibility catch our attention?  The brown withered grass?  The lifeless forms that are frozen on to stems that once harbored myriad colors and blossoms?  Now all are shades of brown and gray.  Visually the world becomes a blur.  Subconsciously we try to ignore winter’s darkness.

Quite a few years ago I led a group of USY’ers (United Synagogue Youth members) from New York to California and back.  During that summer we stopped at the Grand Canyon.  We arrived at night and told our charges to get a full and early night as we had a surprise the next morning.  True to word, at 4 AM I began knocking on doors to awaken our sleepy crew.  Shuffling along, eyes minimally open, the weary pilgrims trudged toward a precipice that overlooked the canyon.  Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the sun crept up to illumine faces full of wonder and awe.  As the group gathered momentum in the Shacharit service there was a glow from another source, not only the sun.

It is wondrous to witness what God’s hand has wrought.  Every now and again, we are jarred from complacency by an act of utter wonder.  On those occasions, awe enters into the deepest recesses of our soul and the wonder becomes palpable.

If there is such a thing as a “religious season” it would be spring. At that time, we observe the most obvious forces of God’s gift to us.  The wonder of nature renewed is testimony to the endless cycles set into motion by the Holy One, Blessed be He.  But what of winter?  Appreciating the Lord’s work is far easier watching the sun rise over the Grand Canyon that sitting in the chilly stillness of January.

Soon will come a little-known holiday, Tevet 21.  On this date in 1690 the community of Ancona, Italy was shaken to its foundations, a wholly unexpected  earthquake.  Miraculously the Jewish community survived unscathed.  To give thanks for having been spared, the Jewish residents of Ancona declared Tevet 21 to be celebrated as new Purim.  Each successive year the members of that community come to the synagogue to say prayers of thanksgiving for their lives.

As the sun sets markedly earlier these days and while the daylight hours are cold and harsh, the lessons of our forbears moves us to pause and listen.  The cycle of nature has not ceased.  The wind will still blow.  The rain continues to fall.  We have been maintained among the living.  God’s Presence has not left us.

“Blessed are You, Lord God, King of the universe, source of all creation.”