Love and Marriage

Sex is talked about extensively with couples about to be married.  So is Jewish living, compatibility and a host of other issues.  For most about-to-be-wed couples the marriage ceremony is the most nerve-racking experience they will ever endure. Invariably, the conversation will drift to caterers and food dishes, lighting and photographers, wines to be served and whines from those determinately dissatisfied relations and young children. While I try to be as helpful as possible regarding the more mundane facets of their wedding day they do not touch me. What concerns me are other things.

If your wedding day is going to be the happiest day of your life, don’t get married.

People do not like my advice but there it is.   The day of one's marriage is neither a paradigm for what will follow nor will it be the most joyous moment they will experience in their days together. An example. We all like birthdays with cakes and presents and cards. However, the only reason their birthdays are so popular and fun is because they happen only once per year.  The day after the party we do not expect to continue to be the center of attention.  Likewise, the day of marriage is the exception to the couple’s life together. One does not wed for the sake of the nuptials, although many do.

If the day under the Huppah is the most momentous occasion in a family's history there cannot be too much joy in the present and a little look forward to in the future. The best is always yet to come. Romantic moments on vacation or after work, bearing and rearing children, becoming grandparents even growing old together should be a source of immeasurable joy.

Part of the difficulty in breaking down the expectation that the wedding must be the happiest day of one’s life is exacerbated by the deterioration of the Jewish focus. With a central hub, drawing the partners into a mutual relationship -- which cannot be egocentric for it is God-centric -- wife and husband are brought closer.

Take for example, hospitality.  What we call hachnassat orchim, is simply inviting people to our home and making them comfortable.  Hachnassat orchim may mean inviting a guest for Passover for Shabbat or someone who needs a place to stay or eat. Hospitality is quickly disappearing from Jewish life and that bodes ill.  Hachnassat orchim even intimates befriending those who have no friends. In most instances that I am aware of even relatives are not really welcome in our homes. We seem to be lost a talent for being mensch to the people who need most.

How then do I persuade couples to get married with the day of their marriage will not be all that they expect it to be? There are several secrets. Allow me to share the most basic and most important. 

Be home on Friday night.

On that special Shabbat evening make no exceptions. It is the family night. Perhaps the children will fight and be aggravating. But notice how in the lives of those who practice the small ritual, the generation gap closes. Over candles and Kiddush and the mentions of the Holy One, blessed be He, family becomes whole, and less intent on securing their own agenda.

The more expedient option of sending the kids off to the movies and hockey practice does not improve the quality of experience and the family. Do you want your children to remember good family events?  Something they want to remember and cherish as they age? Something constant? Try Shabbat.

…And may your marriage could happier and happier as you feel the joy of being together, Jewishly.

A Wedding

Rabbi Yehuda taught that 40 days before a child is conceived, a voice from heaven announces who this child is going to marry; this is literally a match made in heaven! In Yiddish, this match is called "bashert," the word meaning fate.

The Talmud and Jewish tradition through the ages states that a marriage is satisfied through three criteria: money, contract, and intimate relations.

The “money” is represented by the ring, which must have an ascertainable value.  Made of a specific element like gold or platinum, the ring cannot be adorned with any gems.  It must be round (symbolizing the fullness of life) and uninterrupted (symbolizing the fact that love and fidelity must be ever present).  The ring must also be owned; it cannot be borrowed.

As part of the wedding ceremony, there must also be a ketubah. The word "Ketubah" comes from the root meaning "writing." The ketubah is the official marriage contract. The document spells out the husband's obligations to the wife, inheritance upon death, and general obligations regarding the support in the event of divorce.

The third element is the intimacy or consummation of the marriage that seals the wedding.

All three of the aspects are performed in a modern Jewish wedding.  One or two rings are exchanged during the ceremony.  At the time when the ring is place don the finger there is a pledge of love and loyalty recited.  The ketubah is signed and witnessed before the ceremony begins and delivered near the end of the wedding.  Two witnesses are required to affix their Hebrew signatures to the document.  At the close of the wedding ceremony, the couple is secluded in a private room.  This act is indicative of the final consummation sealing the marriage.

A typical wedding occurs under a Huppah, or canopy.  The Huppah represents the home that the couple will craft together.  Often the Huppah is a Tallit that the bride presents to the groom and that he will wear for the rest of his life.