Preparing for Life's Greatest Challenge

Reflecting back, I spent the greatest portion of my youth learning empirical facts, few of which relate to my life now. School never taught me how to be a good father or pitch a sale. It certainly did not teach me how to be moral, honest or file my income tax. In fact nobody ever showed me how to raise kids or be a decent loving spouse, unless you count the modeling of my parents.

Our culture places an inverse emphasis on utilitarian skills and trivia.  We learn lots of things that we will never use and less about critical aspects of personal growth.    “That is true,” you will say, “but kids are not ready to learn about how to raise children.”   So why not teach how to treat one another with dignity?  Remember Hillel’s axiom, “Do not do to others what is hateful to you?”  How to we impart this valuable lesson to the next generation?

Here is a dividend from our present educational system: Our children know how to communicate with and through machines but not directly with each other.  So nu?  When do we get our “real life” education?  It is on the job training.  The trouble is, it is usually a pass/fail course.

For some people it works while for others such learning is a dismal failure.  One of the most regrettable results of our inability to live happily is rooted in unsatisfying relationships. Too many marriages go sour for lack of preparation. Too many unsolvable fights occur for lack of having proper tools to disagree productively.

Listen: Chava came to me crying.  He was a monster. And she had it with him. It was all over. I sat with Chava, as she rolled back the years, tracing the roots of her pain. “If only I knew what he was like to begin with! He was so thoughtful and kind of the beginning. Even romantic. Now, all he does is sit around, scream at the kids and stare at the television. Do you know the last time you held me? Just held me?  With nothing else to follow??”

Could the marriage be saved, I wondered. Can it be saved? I grew angry when I thought this could all could have been prevented with a little inoculation before the marriage ceremony. If a fraction of their education had been directed towards relationships maybe they would know Shalom.

In a letter on sexuality written by Rabbi Elliot Dorff, he wrote:

Marriage is the most profound relationship we enter and therefore one of our most demanding undertakings. It touches on our deepest human longings for love, trust and intimacy, and therefore brings out the very best and very worst of who we are as individuals. Moreover, everyone grows and changes over time, and marital relationships have to adjust to such changes.  For these reasons and more, sustaining us assess for marriage is indeed hard work, and people contemplating marriage oh it to themselves and to the future spouses and children to prepare for that task. We spend years preparing for our careers.  Eight or ten sessions of a marriage preparation course, where available, is a superbly good investment of time.  Alternatively, the couple should consider a series of counseling sessions with the Rabbi and/or marriage counselor.

The goal of marriage preparation, whether in a course or in premarital counseling is to encourage the couple to talk to each other about the important aspects of their relationship. Adequate preparation might include issues of sexuality, children, parents, friends, jobs, money and communal commitments.  It might also teach people to fight and healthy and loving ways so that they emerge stronger as a couple and more generally, it should help people learn how to communicate better. A couple should also discuss how they are going to express the Jewish commitments in the new home and how Judaism and can help them with some or all of the issues that arise.

Clearly, none of these issues is ever fully resolved forever.  This is a life-long project.  Moreover, one can and probably will change one’s mind on these issues as time progresses and one cannot plan all of life’s future contingencies at the time of marriage. But to enter into marriage in this era without deeply exploring areas of concern is to close eyes to reality.

On Learning from Children

Rabbi Zushya hungered to achieve a level of holiness that would enrich his life.  So Zushya travelled from master to master asking the same question.  One day his journey intersected withe famous Maggid.

The Maggid responded to Zushya, “You can receive your answer by observing a small child.  A child can teach you how to be happy for no particular reason. He can teach how to never be still even for a moment when you need something.  He will cry and fret until he is calmed.”

What did the Maggid mean by this?

He was talking about God and life.  Rabbi Zushya needed to understand that happiness can be found when we live in the moment and let go of what has passed.  Have you ever seen a little girl cry and then laugh two seconds later?  She does not hold on to her anger but lets it go; releasing it once the moment is gone.

Little ones are always on the move.  The smaller the child, the more active they are. 

I heard once of a football player who decided to do an experiment.  He imitated everything his four-year old did.  The child climbed the stairs on their knees, so did the father.  The child danced, the parent danced.  At the end of the day the adult was thoroughly exhausted.  Imagine, indicates the Maggid, if good people put that kind of effort into a relationship with God, doing mitzvot.  The world would not even need the Mashiach!

Finally, tots have temper tantrums.  If they do not get what they want they stamp their feet and cry.  Says the Maggid; we need to follow their example.  When we see an injustice we should shout, even scream.  When we witness evil we should be as upset and vocal as a toddler.  Can you imagine how wonderful this world would be if every time some evil act was done others began to wail and carry on like a police siren?  Bad people would soon be shut down.

Good advice, wasn’t it?

Ten for Parents

Ten Crucial Thoughts on Parenting

10. Some part of any money that comes your way should be for tzedaka.

9. The way you fulfill your appetites should be preceded by, “How does Judaism say I should do this?” 

8. You have a home in Israel.

7. Nothing is more important to your moral development than Jewish education.

6. Come to shul with me.

5. Make a Shabbat table.

4. It is important to daven.

3. I expect you to live as a Jew.

2. Zei a mensch.

1. “This is what I believe about God…”

Read the list. Discuss them.  Let them become part of the dialogue.

Are You Ready to Begin?

All life is an opportunity.  Every moment that we are filled with the juices of life we are confronted with new possibilities.  No two situations are identical.  In fact, we davened on Rosh Hashana that God should create us anew.  If granted that wish, we are now living out a new existence.   We are reborn in 5775.  Welcome to the world!

            How we then react to each moment determines whether we have accepted the gift or rejected it.  The only dynamic that counts for anything is how we interact with the universe.  Whether we glower with anger at an insult or laugh it off may be the difference between merely existing and really living.  There is a gross difference between speaking with the Holy One when we pray or mouth the words.  There is however, only one dynamic that changes.  You.  The siddur is as it was.  The chairs have the same texture.  The Torah remains unaltered.  Likewise, the face-mask we cover ourselves with directly influences the response we receive from others.  A person who has a snide tone ought not expect a joyful response from others.  We are the ever-changing dynamic.        

            Winter comes.  Some say that life is cyclical.  Winter was here many times before.  While that may be a comforting thought, I prefer to think life is linear.  That is, we have a boundless future where all things become possible.  Life need never repeat itself.  The real variable here is you.                     

            A bored child called out, “Daddy, come play with me.”

“I can’t little one.  I do not have the time.”

Well, why do you not have the time?” the little one insisted.

“Because I need to earn money.”

“But why do you need to earn money?” she shot back.

The father answered, “So that I can buy things to eat.”

After a few moments, the child called out, “Daddy, come play with me.  I am not hungry.”

            Daddy has two choices now: he can see life as he has always seen it.  Time cannot be squandered when there is work to be done.  Or, daddy can view this moment through the lens of the child.  It is a once-in-a-lifetime. 

            The Sages call the next month MarHeshvan, the bitter Heshvan.  Reasoning that there are no holy days in the entire month, the Sages bemoaned the lack of joy. The ancient ones views life as an opportunity to explore the ancient as new.  They eagerly anticipated familiar events to come to them from a wholly different perspective.  For example, when Hanukka comes it will come only once in the lifetime in this place at your age.  Never to be repeated again.

            Thomas Edison saw his factory go up in smoke on December 9, 1914.  Estimated cost of his loss?  Two million dollars.  As he watched the building become cinders, he remarked, “All our mistakes are burned up.  Thank G-d we can start anew.”  Three weeks later his firm finished crafting the first phonograph.   

            Each dawn can be a new life.

God

The key to understanding ourselves lies within our children.  To look at them is to gain insight.  After all, they grow to embody the sensibilities and outlook that we possess, even if we do not acknowledge them.  This is one reason why our children have problems with God.  We do too.

‘God’ is one of those -- well, you know -- words that it is difficult to use unless we are swearing or giving birth.  That is not to say that we do not believe in God:  most Americans do have firm belief in God.  They even pray.  Occasionally.

Far more difficult is developing a sense of comfort with the idea of God.  One colleague has gone so far as to say that until a couple discusses belief in God they are not truly intimate.  Only when such a sensitive issue is shared without feeling embarrassed can people be said to be truly honest with each other.  Think of it.  There is truth here.

Children are receptacles for what spills over from our lives into theirs.  Our beliefs have a profound impact in forming their inner core values.  Feeling shy about God means they will have to infer what our true sentiments are.  Is it not disturbing that so many young Jews turn away from God and religion?  They get a sense that God is more mysterious and dangerous than any other taboo.

English only compounds the problem.  Christians have little difficulty in expressing their values in religious terms.  Jews, on the other hand, would rather worm their way out of saying things like, “God loves you.”  In Hebrew, it feels far less dangerous to utter.  The only problem is:  Nobody understands what they are saying.  You have heard the phrase, “Our Father Who Art in Heaven”?  Jewish words.  Comes from “Avinu Sh’Bashamayim”.  Or ”God loves you?”  We say it before the Shma every day.  We call it “Ahava Rabba”.

 A key factor in coming to terms with God is developing a comfort level with words.  I often urge people to speak aloud to God when praying from the heart.  It can be an awesome experience.  Most important is to find our deep-set belief and nourish it.

The Baal Shem Tov once said:  A young man wanted to learn the art of becoming a blacksmith.  He went to an older man seeking to become his apprentice.  Learning from his teacher, the boy was a quick study; he learned all the skills of the trade.  Going out on his own, however, the young man soon failed.  He returned to his teacher and asked what he was doing wrong.  The elder replied:  “You have all the information, all the tools, and you’ve mastered the techniques.  What remains is learn to kindle the spark.”