Love

Love means trying. I believe most people buy into the myth propagated by the film industry and romance that love is free; it comes without thought or effort. We meet a beautiful person and “fall in love.”  The two then ride on the steed into the sunset. It is moving vision but one steeped in non-reality.

Closer to the truth is that boy meets girl, falls in lust, generally assumed to be love, and they beget children. She wakes up one morning to find that he is a monster and he loses the sense of thrill that he once knew. Troubles begin because initial expectations were too many, too high. Real love is not like that.

Love means continually trying.

Love means waking up with the baby at midnight.   It means listening to the screams of labor pains and weeping at the sight of a newborn miracle.  It is handholding when friends disappear (they cannot be there all the time). It is enduring the great fights of intimacy and withdrawal.  And surviving.

Creation of love is realized after laughing hysterically until tears roll down the cheeks and crying until the heart nearly splits causing  pain. Nobody hurts us like the people who love us. No one could. By definition, the people who love us most hurt us the most. After all, if an unknown insult us that is hurtful, but when our love is in jeopardy or so many causes of pain that cuts down to the marrow.

Love must be worked on. From the little I know, and less understand, of the business world to make money one needs to invest great amounts of energy. We put ourselves into our work to become successful. If that is true to make a buck, doesn’t it make even more sense to work hard at a love that will comfort us when we are bleeding?  No friend will stand by us like they will. Lose the soul mate and a lot more is been jettisoned than any ephemeral profit margin.

I am truly amazed that so many people expect so much from love, free. It is not free.  For the sake of love we must give more than we get.

If after a hard day, I come home angry and brooding I expect my counterpart to be there with a comforting word and soothing touch. I want her to act the part of my mother easing the furrows from my brow. But who is to say that she has not had a more difficult day than me? That is an unknown.   

Are you such a thing as bliss. Eden really exists. But it is only located after much work. I’ve seen many couples well into the senior years still in love. And I ask them, “What is your secret?”  They answer, a willingness to contribute daily to the basket of love. Here is a blessing I give to all the couples I marry, “Grow old together.”  That means giving every day, every moment.

Preparing for Life's Greatest Challenge

Reflecting back, I spent the greatest portion of my youth learning empirical facts, few of which relate to my life now. School never taught me how to be a good father or pitch a sale. It certainly did not teach me how to be moral, honest or file my income tax. In fact nobody ever showed me how to raise kids or be a decent loving spouse, unless you count the modeling of my parents.

Our culture places an inverse emphasis on utilitarian skills and trivia.  We learn lots of things that we will never use and less about critical aspects of personal growth.    “That is true,” you will say, “but kids are not ready to learn about how to raise children.”   So why not teach how to treat one another with dignity?  Remember Hillel’s axiom, “Do not do to others what is hateful to you?”  How to we impart this valuable lesson to the next generation?

Here is a dividend from our present educational system: Our children know how to communicate with and through machines but not directly with each other.  So nu?  When do we get our “real life” education?  It is on the job training.  The trouble is, it is usually a pass/fail course.

For some people it works while for others such learning is a dismal failure.  One of the most regrettable results of our inability to live happily is rooted in unsatisfying relationships. Too many marriages go sour for lack of preparation. Too many unsolvable fights occur for lack of having proper tools to disagree productively.

Listen: Chava came to me crying.  He was a monster. And she had it with him. It was all over. I sat with Chava, as she rolled back the years, tracing the roots of her pain. “If only I knew what he was like to begin with! He was so thoughtful and kind of the beginning. Even romantic. Now, all he does is sit around, scream at the kids and stare at the television. Do you know the last time you held me? Just held me?  With nothing else to follow??”

Could the marriage be saved, I wondered. Can it be saved? I grew angry when I thought this could all could have been prevented with a little inoculation before the marriage ceremony. If a fraction of their education had been directed towards relationships maybe they would know Shalom.

In a letter on sexuality written by Rabbi Elliot Dorff, he wrote:

Marriage is the most profound relationship we enter and therefore one of our most demanding undertakings. It touches on our deepest human longings for love, trust and intimacy, and therefore brings out the very best and very worst of who we are as individuals. Moreover, everyone grows and changes over time, and marital relationships have to adjust to such changes.  For these reasons and more, sustaining us assess for marriage is indeed hard work, and people contemplating marriage oh it to themselves and to the future spouses and children to prepare for that task. We spend years preparing for our careers.  Eight or ten sessions of a marriage preparation course, where available, is a superbly good investment of time.  Alternatively, the couple should consider a series of counseling sessions with the Rabbi and/or marriage counselor.

The goal of marriage preparation, whether in a course or in premarital counseling is to encourage the couple to talk to each other about the important aspects of their relationship. Adequate preparation might include issues of sexuality, children, parents, friends, jobs, money and communal commitments.  It might also teach people to fight and healthy and loving ways so that they emerge stronger as a couple and more generally, it should help people learn how to communicate better. A couple should also discuss how they are going to express the Jewish commitments in the new home and how Judaism and can help them with some or all of the issues that arise.

Clearly, none of these issues is ever fully resolved forever.  This is a life-long project.  Moreover, one can and probably will change one’s mind on these issues as time progresses and one cannot plan all of life’s future contingencies at the time of marriage. But to enter into marriage in this era without deeply exploring areas of concern is to close eyes to reality.

Ode to a Synagogue

Rabbi Akiva was asked, “Since your God loves the needy, why doesn’t He care for them Himself?

The sage responded, “God, the father of rich and poor alike wants his children to help each other. The Lord desires a world of love.”

Our purpose is not merely to survive.  Survival itself is not noteworthy or even worthy of comment.

So what then is our purpose?

We celebrate life, those who preceded us and upon whose shoulders we stand. We celebrate marriages when we sweated under the chairs of the bride and groom. We celebrate the warm friendships on Shabbat morning.  The evening services where we come together to console the bereft at the house of death. We celebrate the countless baby namings and Brit Milahs. We remember the little ones who spilled wine on the carpet who now have children of their own. We relish the Passover Haggaddas whose pages are stained a dark hue. We remember Friday evening dinners. We revel in recalling High Holy Days and our precious relationships.  The loves, the tiffs and the forgiveness.

The Puritans called marriage “the little church within the church.” Every day without letup our synagogue functions as a sacred place where love and forgiveness are continually recycled. Just like marriage. That is what community is.

George Hallas, owner of the Chicago Bears, work well into his 80s.  He was once asked, “George, at your age what are you doing here working?” Halas responded, “It's only work if there's some place else you'd rather be.”

There is no other place we would rather be than standing shoulder to shoulder with devoted members of our sacred community. Our children have played together.  They have learned in the classrooms.  All of us have grown up together and fought for the sake of goodness throughout the years.  After all this, we still say, there is no place we rather be.

There is a reason we call the place where we pray a "Sanctuary."  It is a place of respite from harm, malcontent and soothing our roughest edges.  When we gather later this month to celebrate our freedom from bondage, remember that it is not our survival that brings us together.  We collect ourselves to remember that we must aid one another.  Our task is to bind the wounds of our sisters and brothers.

Invite someone new to your seder.
Focus on the lesson God wants you to learn from the Haggadda's narrative and then be that change.   Pay for someone you do not know to come to the congregational seder.  

Rabbi Akiva was right, “God, the father of rich and poor alike wants his children to help each other. The Lord desires a world of love. This is our charter.

Love and Marriage

Love means trying.

I believe that most people buy into the myth propagated by the film industry and romance writers that love is free.  It comes as a life-long gift, welcome without a lot of thought or effort.  Oh yes there are the trials of all romance novels but that is just for the sake of a riveting story line/  You meet a beautiful person and “fall into love.”  The two then ride off on a steed (or VW Beetle) into the sunset. It is an emotional scene but one removed from reality.

Closer to the truth is that boy meets girl, falls in lust (generally assumed to be love) and begets children. She wakes up one morning to find that he is monster and he loses the sense of thrill that he knew when he first met her on a steamy date. Troubles begin now because initial expectations were too many and too high.  Real love is not like that.

Love means trying.

Love means waking up with the baby at midnight. It is listening to the screams of the pains of labor and weeping at the sight of the tiny miracle. It is handholding when all your friends disappear, after all everything changes when you are part of a dyad. It is enduring the great fights intimacy. And surviving.

The creation of love is realized after laughing hysterically until tears roll down your cheeks and crying until the heart nearly spills on the body because of the deep anguish. Nobody can hurt us like the people who love us.  No one could. By definition, the people who love us most hurt us the most. After all, if someone unknown insults us that is hurtful but when our love is in jeopardy or our soulmate causes us pain that cuts down to the marrow.

Move is working progress. From what little I know, and less that I understand, of the business world, to make money one needs to invest great amounts of energy.   We place our whole self into work in order to become successful. If that is true to make a buck, doesn’t it make sense that we must work tirelessly at love that stays with us and will buffet us when we are bleeding?  No friend we’ll stand by us like they will.   Lose a soulmate a lot more has been lost than an ephemeral profit margin.

I am truly amazed that so many people expect so much from, free. It is not free. For the sake of love we always must be willing to give more than we get.

If, after a hard day, I come home angry and brooding I expect my spouse to be there with the comforting word and soothing touch.   I want her to act the part of my mother, easing the furrows my brow.  But who is to say that she has not had a more difficult day for me? Unknown.

There is such a thing is bliss. Eden really exists.   But it can only be located after much effort and hard work. I’ve seen many couples well into their senior years still in love.  I ask them, “What is your secret?”  The answer, “a willingness to contribute daily to the basket of love.”

A blessing that I offer each couple that stand under the Huppah, “May you grow old together.” 

That means giving every day, every moment.