a prayer

Avinu, grow our love for You daily.

Avinu, help us to love each other unconditionally.

Avinu, allow was to respect one another in an empowering way.

Avinu, teach as to how to complete each other, building us into one unit you design.

Avinu, rid our hearts of grudges or bitterness towards one another; teach us to forgive readily and extend grace continually.

 Av HaRachamim, encourage each other to achieve the dreams You give us individually and jointly.

 Avinu Sh’ba’shamayim, keep us humble, placing each others needs ahead of her own.

 Avinu Sh’ba’shamayim, Guard our hearts from selfishness and self-centered desires.

 Av HaRachamim, protect our marriages from outside distractions and from outside influences.

 Avinu, make our commitment deeper than our emotions, stronger then the seasons of change and the trials which will come our way.

Looking for Gold

On the flight back from Chicago (American Airlines!) some time ago the flight attendant announced, “Please collect your garbage and someone will be coming around to collect it.  Do not discard your empty soda cans.  We will recycle them.  Also, any unopened food packages please return to the stewardess.  We give them to a food shelter.” 

Wow.

Best flight I ever took.  With all the pain America has endured these past two months and the economic kick that all the airlines have received, this was unexpected and welcome.

At the airport and on the aboard airplane I had my photo checked three times; tickets checked four times, endured tedious lines to get clearance for the plane.  And everybody was happy.  Passengers happily chatted with one another.  The flight attendants were eager to assist and bright. 

People have told me that it is adversity.  The reason why people are so helpful and kind is because we are all suffering from the trauma of the World Trade Center and then the anthrax scare.  That may be true.  It would not be the first time that fear has brought out the best in people.  Our common enemy has caused countless Americans to bravely wave their patriotism from their cars, houses, in the streets.  Acts of goodness abound because we feel vulnerable.

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The ancient ones used the two tales to illustrate relationships; Amnon and Tamar and Jonathan and David.  Amnon desired Tamar.  Desperately he wanted her: Amnon dreamed of being with Tamar day and night.  He could not get her out of his mind.  After relentlessly pursuing her in his heart, he forcibly took her.  After the act, Amnon hated himself for what he did and, subsequently, hated the woman he had defiled.

David and Jonathan, on the other hand, had a love that developed from the soul.  They had no agenda, just love.  Love, the Sages tell us, can be based on getting a desired outcome, i.e. the status that comes with keeping company of influentials; or it can be based on the feelings of the heart.  If we ‘love’ someone to a desired outcome (read: Amnon) the relationship will eventually fail.  Only genuine love will be strong enough to survive tumultuous times.

Perhaps Americans are banding together because we need one another.  That is a conditional love.  Mutual fear of the terrorists has caused Americans to join hands in song.  We have marched miles with candles forging a blazing trail of light snaking through the blank nights on the streets of America.  Children have stood proudly with their parents once again, bearing placards that read “Honk for America!”  For those who grew up in the Vietnam era, this is the United States’ proudest moment.  For older generations this time is a vivid reminder of the gathering of the American psyche during the Second World War.

So what happens next?  Back to angry fingers and curses directed at cars moving too slow along route 9?  A return to the disconnected, unconcerned society?  Amnon and Tamar?  Or Jonathan and David?  In fact, what is really the underlying difference between them?  Is it just that one wants something from the other?  Are all such relationships doomed from the outset?  If that is so, why do anyone a favor unless we are absolutely altruistic?

There is an old argument in the Talmud about motivation.  It goes something like this: Mitzvot should be done for the sake of love of God.  What then if a person does the mitzvah out fear instead of love?  Does that cheapen the deed?  Is this kind of mitzvah inferior in God’s eyes?  Better, concludes the Talmud, that the mitzvah be done for the wrong reason.  If it is done often enough, perhaps it will eventually be done for the right reason.

Did you know there is a brakha (blessing) to be said when you see someone with a different appearance?  In the past such people were placed in circuses and had pages reserved for them in Guinness books.  The Jewish response is totally different.  We are supposed to say “Barukh Ata…Mishaneh haBriot,”  Blessed is the Lord God, Master of the Universe, who has made such diversity among His creations.”

In other words, the weak and strong, tall and short, well-built and handicapped are all made in the image of God.  They are all as holy as one another.  Every one is utterly precious and irreplaceable.  Perhaps if we were to say this brakha each time we would see someone different it would drive home the necessary point treating others with disrespect gives us the ultimate disfigurement.  Saying such a blessing is a learning tool to make us more refined, better human beings.

Perhaps we can say the same for the full love which embraces America.  Practiced long enough it could become part of our fiber.  The same goes for us as individuals: give love for the wrong reason long enough and it will eventually turn out to be for the right reason.

On the Way to My Meeting

That was me waving at you while you were sitting at Starbucks.  I saw you drinking coffee and talking animatedly with your friend.  You were involved in the conversation so if you did not see me or if it did not register who was waving that is alright.  You were at a meeting.

The reason I did not stop was because I was also on my way to a meeting.  I did not want to be late.

We all have meetings.  They keep us busy.  Some are needful, some are friendly, and some are painful.  But we all have them.  They color our days, occupy conspicuous places on our calendar, are a joy and annoyance and a sign that we are needed.  For some people, the more meetings the more we are needed.

Everyone has a place and everyone has a role.  At work we take places around the table, set up a little perimeter around our seat, and steel ourselves for what is coming.

Meetings vary.  Some are clearly charged and energized for change and a healthy exchange of ideas to get to the change.  Others are more like a regular doctor check-up: we pray nothing happens.  Problems arise when it is not clear which of the two is supposed to happen at the table: Is this the one where we are supposed to be creative or one where change is challenge and represents danger?

I was wondering which of the two you were at when I saw you.  You looked concerned so whichever kind of meeting was I think it was the wrong one.  The knitted brows were the give-away.

Judaism asks for change and growth.  It looks at life and wants us to shake our stasis.  In fact, this time during the Omer when tradition demands that we count the passage of days from Pesah until the next holy day of Shavuot, we are supposed to imagine a long steady climb up a mountainside to meet God (that is what happened many millennia ago).  As we trek up the hill we mentally prepare for THE MEETING. 

Anticipating this meeting we take a long steady look at what we ought to be doing for this conference.  Change or inertia?

The fact is sometimes we are eager for change and other times reticent.  Most people I meet, including myself, want both at different times.  There is one overriding principle, though, that was written by Robert Fulghum.  Here it is:

The wagon driver said to his passengers when they came to a long, steep hill, "Them that's going on with us, get out and push.  Then that ain't, get out of the way."

If there is one constant that we must always observe it is for us to allow others to flex and grow and for others to return the favor.

The Gift of Giving, Purim

Once there was a lonely woman.  She went to class by herself.  She did homework alone.  No one wanted anything to do with her.  There was a good reason for it; she was not a nice person.

Feeling isolated, she went to a rabbi seeking advice.  A far as she was concerned she was fine.  Life was treating unfairly (people tend not be able to see personal flaws).  While sitting with the rabbi her personality shone through and he saw the young woman for what she was, selfish and self-centered.

“What should I do?” she wept as she told of her isolation.

The rabbi listened compassionately, waited and then said, “Here is what I want you to do.  Go to the school cafeteria as you usually do at lunch but I want you to look for people to help with their trays, paying for what they cannot, getting them salt, a seat, whatever.”

The young woman went away relieved that she had a specific task to do.  It enabled her to focus on something and slowly, as she performed these helpful duties, she began to see herself differently, and, as a result, others began to view her differently too.

Many programs like Dr. Phil or lots of self-help books emphasize what is wrong with our lives and how to fiddle with it.  They tell us to enroll in step programs or take certain classes which will change our behavior.

The Jewish approach tells us that what we do influences the way we think and behave. That is why we place such a heavy emphasis on mitzvot and tend to minimize creeds or statements of faith.

Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel wrote, “God is more immediately found in the Bible as well as in acts of kindness and worship than in the mountains and forests. It is more meaningful for us to believe in the immanence of God in deeds than in the immanence of God in nature.”

Heschel teaches us that our actions, mitzvot, as a response to the call of God.  That, in addition to the fact that when we act we change our character, are strong reasons to follow the mitzvot our faith places before us.

Soon it will be Purim.  There are several mitzvot for this holiday.  We give tzedaka, send mishloah manot- gifts of food to friends and family, listen to the Megillah and join in Synagogue festivities.  On Shabbat we bless our children, bless our spouse, light candles, and make Kiddush.  Pesah follows with its own actions/mitzvot.  Each time we act with God, travel the path of our ancestors we alter some powerful part of our self.

A Jew is asked to take a leap of action rather than a leap of thought- -Abraham Joshua Heschel