Rav Ilai said, “A person’s real self can be observed in three ways, his kos (cup), kis (pocket/money) and ka’as (anger).” Talmud, Eruvin 65b
With this concise statement there is a wealth of wisdom that can help us determine the character of the people we are with.
Kos
In its context the “cup” refers to drinking alcohol. How does a person behave after they have drunk? As the rabbis say, “when alcohol comes in, secrets come out.” What happens to a person when they drink? Do they act bizarrely? Are they confrontational? Bitter? These may be behaviors that are sublimated but ever lurk under the surface. At the same time, how a person treats alcohol is likely to recur.
In our tradition the purpose of wine is holy. It is present to help us celebrate sublime moments of God-infused love. Think of Kiddush on holy days and Shabbat. Abuse is not appropriate under any circumstances.
Kis
The second item in the list is “kis.” “Money [may] be the root of all evil” and it may also be redemptive. Just like “cup” money can be used for great good or serve bad purpose. For Jews, we are reminded to use the gift of money to redeem our own people. It is not without good precedent that whenever Jews were in trouble, Entebbe, trapped in Ethiopia, afflicted in Iraq, Yemen or elsewhere Israel has swiftly come to rescue them.
Yet, that is not sufficient because that is their contribution not yours. What we do with our wallet is what counts. As the Torah teaches, ten percent of our gross income must be given towards works that improves life. How we react toward a homeless person with their hand outstretch is consequential. If we are blessed with money in our “kis” we are obliged to use it to do good things with it.
Ka’as
Finally, “ka’as” is how we react when things do not go as we planned them. It is about when people let us down or are insulting. The anger we display is also about our core identity. Said Rabbi Rafi Lipner, “Everyone gets mad but what we do when we are furious allows others to see us at our worst.” When we become unplugged, unglued, undone, or whatever you want to call it, we unveil the worst part of our character. Read again: We unveil the worst part of our character when we seethe. In other words, the anger is not an aberration; it was there all along lurking in the background of our self.
Life is challenging. Our inner personality cannot be cloaked or hidden indefinitely. Sooner or later it will be revealed through one or all of these vehicles, kos, kis, or ka’as. Rabbi ilai’s advice has two powerful applications. The first is judging one’s friends and partners. How do they behave when one of these three items is concerned? The second involves judging our character through the refraction of one of these lenses.
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