Some Thoughts on Attending to the Bereaved
It is not easy to deal with death. Yet, it is a part of all our lives. Knowing the correct thing to say or what to do can be the cause of a lot of stress. It is helpful and empowering to know how to behave and what to do when confronted with this pain. What follows are some random thoughts:
Do not leave the mourner alone for too long. Facing death alone makes it doubly painful.
Words do not come without effort; they do not come gracefully. Listening is often enough. It is not easy to offer comfort. Just be there. Even “I am sorry for the loss,” works just fine.
Make sure there is a first meal, the Meal of Consolation after returning from the cemetery (this is the Jewish source for sending food to the mourners). Traditionally, the first meal consists of hard-boiled-eggs or lentils (symbolizing the roundness of life) and food staples that will form a full meal. Bring food that will be appreciated and needed by the family sitting shivah. Flowers are not appropriate for a Jewish home.
Come to the minyans (services) at the Shivah house. The comfort of having people attend services at the house is of incalculable value. It says they are not alone.
Offer to serve as a pall-bearer. It is a mitzvah that ought to be done by one’s family or community. The general principle of Judaism is that we do things for one another and do not leave tasks to others.
If young children are involved an offer to help with them may be greatly appreciated.
General thoughts about being with mourners:
Silence is okay. Do not feel like you have to force conversation. Allowing for quiet moments will often provide space for the mourner to let you know what is on their mind. Ask about the deceased. Share what you know. This is what the shivah is for. It is generally a good idea to steer away from unrelated, trivial subjects unless directed by the mourner.
Offer to help clean-up, take out garbage, drop off mail, pick up relatives, run errands…..
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