Death

What do you say to your friend whose wife just passed away?

Does it bother you to not know what to say to a mourner?

These questions deeply affect many people. They know neither what to do nor what to say.

Some people, more experienced in this sort of thing the most, have a small repertoire phrases, comments and questions. They might ask, “Was he old?” Hoping the answer to be affirmative they will go on to say, “At least he had a long life.” Needless to say, that does not work if the deceased was in his 50s. Another well used question is to ask if his demise was sudden. This query is more helpful than the former because it gets the mourner to talk. They have to respond by way of an explanation of the events leading up to the death. Still, this may not be the most helpful approach as it does little to give comfort to the bereft.

The Bible records a magnificent passage in Genesis, which states, “After the death of Abraham, God blessed Isaac his son.” God Himself acts as a comforter to the grief stricken. The concept of comforting the bereaved what is a mitzvah of the highest order. To do so for our fellow man is an act of gemulute hasadim, genuine kindness. The impact of our physical presence and soothing words is inestimable.  We soft in the emptiness and overwhelming to spare and being alone.

But what words do we say? How do we keep from saying the wrong thing like, “They are better off now” or “It could’ve been worse”? When entering the house of mourning, it is easy to see those with greatest discomfort squirm and furtively gesture as if looking for the right thing to say. It is the feeling of tremendous discomfort. I have no doubt that some people never attended Shivah precisely because of that awkward feeling.  Needless to say, that is the least helpful and in many instances the most hurtful thing we can do. What we can offer that will be constructive and helpful?

In Great Britain, the Jewish community has adopted the practice of saying, “I wish you long life,” to the mourner. The phrase is enigmatic and confusing but everyone uses it. Anglo-Jewry always have something to order before the briefed. What a relief that would be for us to have something that we could offer.

There is an ancient Jewish formula that we can give that is of helpful nature to the mourner.  HaMakom Yinakhem Etkhem is a bit of a mouthful been very difficult to remember for those of us with not taking conversational Hebrew. It means, “May God console you.”

“God console you” is much easier to remember and a lot easier to pronounce.

“God console you.” Tape these words to your refrigerator or cut them out and insert them into your wallet.

You do have something to offer.