Purim fun

 Oy. 

I want to talk about the economy and the Jewish response to the spoliation of our world.  Things have gotten so bad.  It is just terrible.  The economy charges ahead and retreats.  Debt spirals upward but does not seem to come down.  

Alert: A major unidentified oil company had to lay off twenty-five congressman last week! Making matters worse, Tom Bodett finally turned the light off.  It is time for us to take action.

We could learn a lot from Bubbie.  She knew how to use and re-use.  She was green before her time before it was even a color.  After she washed the floor she used yesterday’s newspaper as a coverall to protect her work from dirty feet and spilled chicken livers.  Bubbie never met a piece of wrapping paper she couldn't use fifteen times. In fact, through judicious use, rinsing, and re-use of aluminum foil, one Bubbie only used two rolls of foil during her entire life! 

Don't waste money!  Keep lights off, even in the dark. You can save thousands, maybe even millions on electricity bills by using night vision glasses, which can be bought cheap at any military hardware store.   Don't waste an entire sheet of fabric softener when you can cut the thing in half. Soap can molded into bar mitzvah centerpieces, swans or models of the Ten Commandments. As a bonus, guests can use them when they wash hands. 

With rocketing inflation, it's time to resurrect the fine art of haggling. After the register has tallied your groceries and the credit card machine screen asks, "Is $231.98 okay?" don't just press the "okay" button. Make a deal!  A metsia! Start your counteroffer at $27.54.

After Passover, my friend Harry sold his swept up matzah crumbs in a Ziploc bag for eighteen bucks on ebay! I don't know what's up with these eBay shoppers, but if they're dumb enough to buy matzah crumbs from the floor, they'll buy broken toys, and your van with no engine. Heck, offer that folding chair held together with only duct tape and with the screw sticking out of the seat pad, and see what you get!

Cook creatively.  Concoct visionary meals such as "refrigerator soup," anything you can find in the back of the fridge or freezer that doesn't yet have anything growing on it. Tabasco sauce, the unrecognizable leftovers with freezer burn, and you're in business. If your family complains, say, "You want fancy?  Tomorrow we'll have borsht."

It’s time for action.  Did you hear on the news how one man became so depressed that he called a suicide hotline.  They connected him to an operator in Afghanistan.  They became excited as they asked, “Can you drive a truck??”

Happy Purim!

Disclaimer: Liberally plagiarized, copied, pilfered and stolen from several sources.