On Motherhood

Today’s Jewish mother is in an unenviable role.  There are so many stereotypes that take aim at the Yiddishe moma that it is hard to define oneself without being labeled.

In yesterdays’ world, a Jewish mother’s lifestyle was clearly demarcated.  First, there were daughters to be married off.  To that end they were educated and taught proper etiquette.  Included in that education were how to set a seder table, attend and keep a kosher home, what kind of cheese was most tasty in a blintze for Shavuot, how many apples with honey to prepare for Rosh Hashanah and on.  Throughout the epochs of our past many a rabbi deferred to the rebbetsin for answer to questions that involved the spiritual and practical home life.

All the while the mother would have to keep an eye on the Levy boy.  After all, he was an eligible and potential son-in-law.  There was, of course, nothing wrong with the Cohen boy either, God forbid.  But young Levy had a better family.  And then after years of preparation there was a wedding to think about and then craft.

And sons.  Marrying them off was not the top priority, although they too had to find girls that had a suitable pedigree.  In addition, there was a lot of effort to make sure they ended up with a good profession – a lawyer, doctor or successful businessman.  The problem of wild oats was the father’s domain to rein in.

 Feeding the family was simpler.  Strudel, challah and butter.  On Shabbes there was chopped liver, gedempte meatballs, cakes, eggs, milk (not at the table with meat) and the gefilte fish was real gefilte fish.  Mamash.

Those were the days when the worst was the besht.  Granted, all work was involved and a chore. Laundry was hand washed.  Dish washing machines?  Not even close.  Maybe in Buck Rogers’ universe.  Nothing frozen.  Microwhat?  Those were the days when chicken was seen in two states.

Tradition is a word which summons nostalgia.  Just mention "tradition" and a somber but pleasant feeling sets in.  Those were the days -- sigh -- cozy halcyon days when parenthood was an enviable job.  Much has changed.  Little remains as it was.

Daughters are now prepared like sons and sent off to work.  They leave home and live a life of their choosing. Many have no desire (or need) to become married.  They live with girlfriends (or boyfriends.  What can you do?).

Sons.  Oy.  Some are gay, “out of the closet.”  They have nice boyfriends who may make nice husbands and fathers. 

Some seem to never be able to find Ms. Rightstein.  It is no simple task to find a Jewish girl, settle down and have a family.  It is not so easy to find a Jewish girl.

Eggs are noi good for you.  Maybe once a week.  Wait.  They are good for you again.  Milk is poison.  Only the truly brazen and courageous would drink anything as heady as 2%.  Anything with fat is verboten.  Wait! A new study indicates it is good for you.  No butter for the challah.  No margarine either.  Salt, by the way, is a four letter word.  Red meat?  Depends who you ask.  Fowl is acceptable, as long as you are not too particular about hormones and factory farming.  Fruits and vegetables are okay.  As long as they are not sprayed and don’t have nitrites (whatever they are).  Then comes the unenviable task to convincing your family to eat things that are good for them but that everyone hates (read: bran).

Modernity has seen the transition of mother to means of transportation.  Appended to their bodies are numerous appurtenances that make their lives simpler and liberating.  From the watch, which does twelve simultaneous functions, to the phone which is stapled to her body and wires pinned to her ears, mothers are now free to be in six places at once.

So many perplexing and mind numbing dilemmas.  What does a mother do?  It used to be that she defined her role thorough her family.  But such things do not happen much any more and when they do these relationships are not reciprocal: children go their own way, spouses travel an independent path and when age creeps up they are on their own.

Lokshen and gefilte fish were a breeze by comparison with what the modern woman is up against today.  Society insists that everyone needs to reach their own potential.  Independence has replaced interdependence.  And yet there is something finely disconcerting about putting oneself first.

Unexpected results may come from using a cake mix with indecipherable ingredients rather than one made from scratch.  Unexpected results invariably arise from situations where our control is so much more tenuous and uncertain when our role is often confusing.

Conflicting expectations from within are trying enough without the added dimension of external pressures.  Life may change at a breakneck speed but Jewish roots provide a bit of cushioning.  If life is unstable, seek ground.  Judaism is the unchanging bridge which spans the chasm of time. 

Come home.