Do You Love Me?

One of the most impressive and memorable scenes from Fiddler on the Roof is win Tevye asks his wife if she loves him. Remember what happened? She guffaws. Tevya insists on having an answer while Golde continues to balk and stall. Finally when pressed to the point, “Do you love me?” she resignedly mutters, still trying to avoid the issue, “I suppose I do.”

Nowhere does it state that a woman must love her husband or vice versa. In all 613 commandments found the Torah there is no law demanding that we love our spouse. I have yet to come across a mitzvah among the thousands of mitzvot in the Talmud either. Certainly, there are commandments about fidelity, sexual relations, raising children, obligations toward parents, physical support, but not in love.

There are numerous magnificent statements and stories in our literature about caring, sensuality and devotion -one thinks of the grade passages of love and tenderness between Rabbi Akiva in Rachel or Rabbi Meir and his wife Bruria - but no all encompassing rule exists demanding between love spouses.

When a young couple meets we say they “fall in love.” It is precisely that, an act of falling. The effect is intoxicating and dizzying. Heads spin and emotions gyrate like a top. But it is not all love, it is mostly falling. The warm spots on flushed cheeks, the clammy hands and sweaty brow are all part of a feeling of lust and desire. To be sure, that is the beginning or foundation of love but not more.

Love is born from adversity and joy. It emerges through time via the pains of loss and renewal of life. The birth of a child is not necessarily an act of love but it is a sign post; holding hands through shiva is not love either but it is a marker along that path. Directionals on the road abound but when we desire a renewal of the libidinous rush that infected our youth, disappointment arises.  Just we no longer laugh at the silly jokes that made us double over when we were young and cannot maintain a marathon pace of life as we age, so too we cannot turn back the dial of time to recreate re-create the first kiss feeling the burning desire of youth.

Love is a road we travel but seldom appreciate.

Through the passage of years our mate has seen us at our worst temper; without masks of competence and certainty they have witnessed our triumphs and crushing defeat. Our moles are exposed.

Love to do with caressing and holding? What has love to do with comfort during the period of rejection? Everything.

            

Love takes hard work and effort.

“Do I love you?” After all that has been said and done, after all the late nights and changing diapers, the ear infections and illnesses; after the difficult process of adjustment following the marriage, after the frightening stay at the hospital and nights alone in an empty home, after the anxiously watching children exit the home in venture out into the world, the problems with work; after all these things, yes I suppose I do.