There is no such thing as “having no choice.” There is
always an alternative. In fact, the choice we make in any situation says
something about us to others and something about us to us.
The first part of that last statement is pretty clear: if we are
short-tempered people will be wary of us. If, on the other hand, we are
kind and generous, those around us will respond in kind. The second part
of the statement sounds confusing but it is as obvious as the first. Let me
explain.
How we act creates self-definition. We form an opinion
about ourselves based on what we do. Psychoanalyst Erving Goffman tells
the story of a man who walks on the beach determinedly not looking at
anyone. He walks with a stride that says, “I do not see any of you.
I am busy doing something very important. You can tell by my gait, by the
way I gaze at distant objects, by my indifference, that I am
outstanding.” While striding along the seashore the man dons a mask that
causes him to imagine that he is above all.
And he wonders later why everyone is so distant.
Here’s another example. A woman wears the persona of a sharp
businesswoman. Her words are terse. She does not tolerate idle
conversation. She is methodical and critical of anyone who says anything
“stupid” or meaningless. When she looks in the mirror she ties her hair
tightly back without looking to closely at the reflection she does not like.
The Mishna tells of the great sage Hillel who passed a stream
one day and saw a skull in the water. He remarked, “As you have done to
others, so others have done to you.” Hillel was commenting that the way
we treat others will come back to us. Yet, I suspect he was saying
something even more profound: Hillel was sounding a warning. If we behave
cruelly we will come believe in cruelty as a way of interacting with others.
The way we are seen is the way we will ultimately see ourselves.
That is why our faith places such a strong emphasis on how we
behave, the way the talk, how we treat one another, and the way we approach
God. All these things impact others and the world. But they also
impact us. Nasty words spoken by us make us feel nasty,
unclean. For many, there is only one thing to do when feeling dirty by
our deeds, do more of it, which is a downward spiral.
We have a Mikveh which is a demarcation point where we go to
divest ourselves of the accumulated psychic grime. We have a daily
“confessional” where we strike our breast and beg for a new beginning (new
self-definition). And, of course, we have Yom Kippur as a grand, large
scale, opportunity to change.
I like to think of the many holy days that dot the Jewish
calendar as moments of potential transformation too. Shavuot is
coming. Least appreciated of all the festivals, Shavuot celebrates God’s
ultimate gift to the Jews, Torah. We pray, sing, and study into the long hours
of night as we seek an encounter with the Holy One, blessed be He. Such
an experience would alter the trajectory of our life. Perhaps every
mitzvah is an invitation to change how we are viewed and how we perceive
ourselves.
There is a tale about a man who once rigged an electric battery
to his doorbell. He was happy when he heard a loud ring when someone
pushed the button. He then connected a wire from that same battery for a
light in his bedroom. However, the light did not work. So he called
an electrician who examined the contraption and said, “Don’t you know that it
takes more power to shine than to make a noise?”
It
may take more power to shine but when we do we are radiant.
